My Protector – January 29, 2018

I try.

My effort fails.

You fail.

You were not there.

You left me by myself.

You continue to leave me behind.

I’ve waited for you for too long.

I’ve finally stepped up to do the hard work.

I no longer need you.

I am grown, but my voice is still small.

Scared to start the conversation,

Scared to be shut down and not protected again.

I see you protect her with your choices,

Or are you protecting yourself?

I’m so strong, you have no idea.

All that I have inhaled, 

as you have left me alone.

You never asked.

You never saw.

You were too busy protecting something else.

Well, now it’s my turn.

I’m the protector.

You can’t even take a minute?

Please, tell me I missed you trying.

Please, tell me I was too young to understand.

I have run my life story on repeat.

I see nothing, I hear nothing, I feel nothing.

Now that I am grown,

The voice in my head is still that of a little girl, searching, hurting, going it alone.

The mother in me is finally able to speak up.

Even if it’s the smallest of peeps.

It’s something more than before.

This small peep will get louder after each belt.

It will no longer be hushed by the grown-ups in the room.

This is my room.

This is my turn.

I can no longer fit nicely into the mold of the good little girl.

My role now is mother, and I will protect the little girl hiding in my heart,

Fiercely and endlessly.

She is my priority, and I will not let leave her behind.

So be open to hear me, or choose to shut me down.

Either way I’m moving forward.

I will heal.

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