There was no grief in the beginning. It was just absence. A nothingness, I guess there were twinges from other peoples glares. I wanted them to stop. The eyes to turn away; because maybe, they would see what was really in front of them. A broken, confused, tired little girl who wanted to be anyone but who she was.
Grief. It’s funny. It’s raw, it’s ugly soaked in tears, face distorted. Whaling, quietly snorting, by yourself, wishing someone was there at the same time wanting to be so alone nothing exists. Invisible, and loud. It is the mirror life holds up to you when you are at the lowest point you’ve ever known. It’s wanting to be seen and not seen at all. Leave me alone, but hold me. There is no answer to the pain. There never will be.
When somebody “puts on a happy face” it’s a blessing and a curse. At first, it allows everyone to go on. To live. To be “happy”. I noticed this, and applied it quickly to my own situation. But at some point, I began to see through my own smile. I quit making up what was there, and came to terms with what was really there. I finally allowed the dark space to exist, so massive, it felt like it would consume all. And now, sometimes, when I smile, I still feel the bullshit. So I run, or I fight, or I just stay quiet.
Grief lives in me like a buzz. Constantly vibrating, growing and shrinking. I feel it most in my chest and throat, as it grows the tremble takes over. Cell by cell my heart is breaking.
Joy,
“You’re not healing to be able to handle trauma, pain, anxiety, depression. You’re used to those. You’re healing to be able to handle joy and to accept happiness back into your life.” (The Haven Network).
Do you see its paradox?
I know I’ve laughed. I know I’ve tapped into the depths of what it really is. When you break it, or it breaks you, all you can feel is the empty space they used to fill up. Maybe it’s the irony of it all. Of life. Of everything. Nobody leaves, the space they hold just shifts. If you don’t shift too it’s nearly impossible to find them, or yourself anymore. But, when you find the shift there they are, and so are you.
Life and death, where joy exists so does sadness. Crying and laughing come in the same package. Do you feel it? The cognitive dissonance, the absurdity? The gift of life?
Grief, it’s funny. I hope it makes more sense now. I’m not sure that it does. I’m working on it.
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Je te laisserai des mots
lyrics © Secret City Publishing
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https://youtu.be/mcdO9UP0hp8?si=9B_krMO6yZW7Dv0e
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I will leave you words
Je te laisserai des mots
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Below your door
En dessous de ta porte
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Below the singing walls
En dessous des murs qui chantent
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Very close to the place where your feet pass
Tout près de la place où tes pieds passent
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Hidden in the holes of your couch
Cachés dans les trous de ton divan
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And when you’re alone for a moment
Et quand tu es seule pendant un instant
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Pick me up whenever you want
Ramasse-moi quand tu voudras
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Kiss me whenever you want
Embrasse-moi quand tu voudras
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Pick me up whenever you want
Ramasse-moi quand tu voudras
~
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Patrick Watson
DoRee MelNic 