Little dots of snow sitting on the upside down patio chairs, stacked against the wall of windows I am staring out, leads me to these thoughts.
I go to coffee with a friend (trying to find each other through our busy lives once a month). The one friend I have made in this place we have lived for more than four years. I’m not telling you this because I want you to feel bad for me. I am rather content with my social prowess at the moment. Not sure I could handle much more.
After coffee, I went home feeling lighter, and loved. Later that afternoon, we were driving in the car and talking. I was telling you about a question I had asked her in regard to making friends. She had moved into the area around the same time we did, so my curiosity decided to sneak through my lips as I asked her if she had fallen in with any mom groups, I shared with her that I had not. My recollection of your response was to scoff at my question and tell me that must have put her in a very awkward position. I remember thinking, huh? It didn’t occur to me that could have been my question’s effect, or maybe I didn’t care. I perceived it would be a moment of connection, or at the least vulnerability. So, I sat with your words for a while.
Today while looking at the little dots of snow perched upon the upside down chairs the memory resurfaced and I thought about you. More specifically, your reaction to me sharing my question. I imagined how you would have reacted if we were friends having coffee and I had asked you that question. Guarded and with walls, I think. Maybe it would have made you feel badly about yourself, or you would have felt the need to concoct a story, paint a picture, instead of letting your truth be seen.
A murmuration just broke the solid grey sky. It was quick and powerful dancing together and carrying on.
You warned me against asking such questions, it can make others feel uncomfortable. Maybe that is why I don’t have numerous friends to count on both hands. If I am being honest. I do not want more friends, but I do want to experience many more connections. Even if it’s for a moment, one question, where we both feel the gravity of reality. To me, those silly little dots of snow perched on the upside down chairs are the things worth noticing, and even better if they are noticed with someone else. Just for a moment. That is where our hearts open, if we let them.
DoRee MelNic 