There are times out of nowhere I can’t catch my breath.
She squeezes with all her might,
And tugs at my bleeding heart.
I can’t think straight.
Mind frozen in the past, or is it the future that makes me sob?
So hard the tears flood my cheeks turn into rivers.
I can’t see past the tip of my nose.
Sounds slip out between gasps for air.
I want to flail my body all over the floor,
No, race, to escape the pain my body can’t digest.
It’s all so big, uncontrolled and fresh.
Every time she returns,
I’m in the same spot.
Nowhere, no one is there.
She beats me until I’m numb.
Can’t feel the hurt, it shows itself as anger.
The rage that boils just under my skin,
Spits at those I love.
Souls that haven’t done a damn thing.
They have no stake in my old story,
But they are my future, my present.
I do what I can to bite my tongue,
Turn around and walk away.
But they follow me, it follows me.
Needing, so badly, to dissipate.
I feel the release of her grip,
Reminding me no one ever showed me how.
She was never grieved out loud,
To my future’s peril.
My foul-mouthed angst.
Flies wildly into the air.
Singing grief’s praises.
Her spirit’s song is light, unlike my hateful rebuke.
So sick of this fight.